Mr. All-or-Nothing

I think that’s it. That’s a core issue for me. I am utterly unsatisfied with average; with the world around me, and within myself.

Go running a couple times a week, just for general well-being? Not good enough! PR every time and do longer and harder races!

Take a little rest time on a Saturday? Nope….12 hours in a row of video games, movies, vegging ALL DAY.

Mmmm…1 slice of pizza? That won’t break the calorie bank. NO!! EAT ALL THE PIZZA!!

Oh, foot hurting a bit? Stay off it for a week, then ease back in a little at a time. NOPE! I want to run my 6 miles today or I quit for a month!!

I know it’s not exactly “rational” thinking. But I think it’s a fairly frequent way that my mind works. And this can be seen across all facets of my life, not just health/fitness. I’m like this sometimes in my relationships with friends/family; in the way I approach worship & relationship with God; in the way I am overwhelmed or bored at work; from not reading any books for months to reading several in a short amount of time; etc…

I don’t yet have an action plan to do anything about this going forward. I think this is just taking stock of reality and being honest and aware of myself. If you know me at all, please chime in and vote if you think this is true of me, or if you think it’s true of you or in general.

To Run, or Not To Run…That is the On-Going Battle

December 20:  A good 3.5 mile run
December 21:  Rest day
December 22:  Okay, gonna run tonight…oh dang, forgot about worship band practice (6:00 – 9:30) oh well, Christmas break starts tomorrow!
December 23:  Ahhh….first day of no work. Might be able to get a good run in today, since I missed yesterday. (Time goes by…watch movies with kids, extra sleep…no run)
December 24:  Christmas Eve! I’ve got to be at church from about 2:00 – 7:00, so I need a morning run. (3+ hours making/eating breakfast, last minute errands….no run)
December 25:  Family time, church time, family time….no run
December 26:  UVC run club is meeting tonight, right? I haven’t been to it in like 2 months! But this is my last day of vacation! I have to watch these movies on Netflix instant play before they expire! I’m tired…..blah blah blah…..waffling back and forth, I go to the bedroom a couple of times and almost change……then somehow the thought of “I’ll be glad I ran after it’s done” takes hold. Boom. 4 miles.

It’s interesting/weird/frustrating/typical how often this pattern happens to me. But there are a few things I’ve learned about myself and exercising:

1. I suck at sticking to a plan when I’m not in my “routine” (weekends, holidays, etc.)
2. I take a day off, planning to make up for it with “X”….that usually doesn’t work out
3. Clicking “Next Episode” on Netflix is waaaay too easy.
4. I like the quote I’ve heard elsewhere: “You’ll never regret going for a run, but you will regret not going.” So true.

Pushing Harder

I had some thoughts I wanted to share that wouldn’t fit in a G+/FB post, sooooo….

Today has been good. Since I’m sure many were wondering where my weekly CardioTrainer run post was…..I did the Nielson Challenge with Chris again, but experimented with doing so without my phone. It felt odd not having it, but they had a clock. My time was when I crossed the finish line was 19:59 on the clock, but I just checked the website, and it has me down at 19:43. Hmmm….Either way, it’s better than last last month, when I did it in 21:55.

At any rate, it was hard. It was chilly and windy. Half of the course we had a tail wind, the other half a head wind. And running into the head wind was hard. I’ve had plenty of longer runs than the NC 2 miles, but 2 miles is long enough for the mental games to mess with me. Sometimes it feels like every other step is a battle to keep going. My legs hurt. My lungs hurt. I’m tired. If I push too hard too soon I’ll run out of gas before the end. Just a sample of what thoughts I have to push through. Chris had trouble too, and afterwards we were both wheezing and coughing and groaning.

Why? Why do we do this to ourselves. I still revel in the irony that up until last year I mocked running with derision, and now it’s becoming a passion…maybe even an addiction.

I’m pushing myself. And others around me help push me too. Knowing that my time last month was 21:55, I was hoping to get under 21:00….knocking a minute or so off my time. Chris said I’d do it closer to 19:00. “Yeah right,” I laughed. That was well beyond the vision of what I thought was possible. But I broke 20:00, which meant I pushed myself beyond what I thought I was capable. There’s more intrinsic value in this realization than there is value in the physical health benefits.

Spiritually, I feel like I’ve been leaning in more too. Not to draw too obvious of a parallel between the running and my journey with God, but I’m intrigued in following the thought of what it would be like to rely on Christ more, pray with more faith, and experience God in ways beyond what I think I am capable. When I start getting thoughts like, It’s too hard. It’s too risky. This might hurt. MWhat if my faith is too weak and I don’t believe God can do X.

Push through. Trust that God will sustain you beyond what you think you are capable of.

Eph. 3:20-21
²⁰ Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Saturday With the Kiddos

I just wanted to share 3 things that happened with my kids this morning, and knew it would take longer than a FB status.

-I win!! When comparing who the silliest people are in our family, Connor and Cosette rank us like this:

1. Daddy
2. Cosette
3. Connor
4. Mama

-While watching Bert & Ernie on Sesame Street, I sort of goaded the kids into an argument, based on their reactions…

Me: Is this funny?
Cosette:  YES!! HAHAHAHA….
Connor:  No it isn’t. *grumpy face*

-I only bought one book at the grand opening of the FCS, despite multiple requests for other things. A brief conversation about what it means to be “rich” ensued….

Cosette:  You have dollars, and HUNDREDS of dollars!! That’s rich!!
Me:  LOL

Words Go Here….

I wish I could say something right now. But I’m too tired.

I’m half-way through my 2-week-long “Hell week”. I’ve got a huge annual inspection thing on Thursday, so I’ve burning the candle at both ends right now.

Hopefully by next week I will blah blah blahh…..

Too tired to even bother finishing that thought.

Clinging vs. Surrendering

Life is difficult. (Thank you, obligatory cliché.)

So why do we insist so vehemently on making it even more difficult?

Sunday morning during worship, I intentionally engaged. Our church starts with four worship songs, then announcements, then sermon, then 2-3 more worship songs with communion. During the first three songs, I thought about the words, I spoke them to God, I raised my hands. Then the fourth song started: “The Stand” by Hillsong, and I felt myself withdraw a bit, because it’s a song that historically I haven’t felt much connection with. But the pre-chorus and chorus gripped me in a new way.

So what can I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart oh God
Completely to you

I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I’ll stand
My soul, Lord, to you surrendered
All I am is yours

“What could I do, but offer this heart, oh God, completely to you?”

“My soul, Lord, to you surrendered. All I am is yours”

Those two lines in particular rang loud in my soul. I felt myself doing just that, asking the Holy Spirit to help me surrender myself completely.

Here’s the surprise kicker: it was easy.

Well, at least a lot easier than I would have expected.

I could feel the tension and tightness of clinging to control of my life releasing. (Even now, scarcely a day later, I can feel it creeping back)

The questions of “But what if…? How come…? Why…?” faded away.

My questions were irrelevant.

All that mattered in the moment was that my King is in control, and I was giving myself completely over to him. It’s a pity that it is such a fleeting glimpse of true unity with God. Maybe if we lived in that moment long enough, perhaps a fiery chariot would swoop down from Heaven and take us up.

Actually, that would be kind of cool.

Baby Steps

Remember the movie, “What About Bob?”. Richard Dreyfuss’ character writes a therapy book called “Baby Steps” and puts Bob on the program. Much to his chagrin, it works marvelously.

Silly though the movie may be, I find myself thinking “Baby Steps” whenever confronted by seemingly insurmountable obstacles. There are a lot of goals I have in my life, that are daunting – at best – when I look from here to the conclusion.

• Get to 170 lbs.
• Break an 8-minute mile
• Run a marathon
• Finish (and publish?) a novel
• Travel more
• Become more like Christ

Obviously, some goals (and this is just a small sample) are precise and measurable, while others are a bit more intangible and realistically, will take a lifetime to work towards. The key (in my mind) is taking Baby Steps.

When I am discouraged by the fact that I’ve only gone jogging once so far in January, well hey, that’s one more than zero. Baby Steps.

When I write 51,000 words of gibberish (no where near the criteria of earning the name “novel”), that’s okay. At least I’m writing and getting better and have a rough draft to work with. Baby Steps.

When I feel like I’ve succumbed to temptations more times in a week than I care to remember, but I showed love to someone or spent time in God’s Word one time….that’s a step in the right direction. A Baby Step, to be exact.

You get the idea.